Tide + Fear Intimacy

The pictured essay asks questions about homosexuality. The real questions it asks is about the power to embrace both [male] and [female] sexualities. People who are afraid to are stunted, as is the case of men who feel it is the women’s role to do house work. -men who do house work get laid.

In other news:

In writing these, I came to realize that I feel the people who become evil in this world are the people who fear intimacy. These people do not know how to ask for what they want, so they become shut up, repressed or angry. Others may not be able to get what they want, and have to take it. I’m talking about love, of course here. So in thinking about the ones who may not be able to get it, perhaps they are like me where they just haven’t met the right person yet.

In this case, the people who become evil may be the ones who are scared to die alone. I think we are all born with a fundamental loneliness. We are born infantile, weak, scared, naked, alone. I think we are always drawn to seek a wholeness. We are social animals. But the ones who fear or fear they may live alone, -or anybody really. Everyone has to learn how to resolve their fundamental loneliness.

I think loneliness is the most frightening feeling in the world. Loneliness drives some of us to be greedy. Loneliness drives some of us to lie and to be deceitful. Loneliness drives some of us to become distracted and neglectful. Loneliness drives us to become selfish and afraid. I think loneliness comes when we cannot trust the people around us. We cannot truth them with our nakedness, spiritual or otherwise.

So we dig holes for ourselves.

I think the solution to loneliness is to learn to be creative. Then, you have your own company always. Even when no one else is around. You can restore yourself. Creativity can be the alchemy by which loneliness becomes solitude, as at last it has for me. I am able to be in communion with the world, even if there is no one around to converse with. Even if there is no lover I can be intimate with. Creativity provides that same drive.

One character I want to write about is Marius.

He is a fallen, one-winged angel. But no body knows it. He keeps it hidden. He hides his deformity so other demi-gods and demons do not try to kill him. He hides his deformity so humans who hate demi-gods and demons alike don’t try to de-throne him. Except Marius isn’t even heir to a throne. Marius isn’t heir to anything. He doesn’t belong to anyone. I think Marius’ lover died long ago. She committed suicide.

For Marius, I feel really sad. Marius lives alone. He eats alone. He does everything alone. Humans are concerned with human affairs. Demi-gods and demons are concerned with their pride. Marius cannot show himself. No one loves Marius for his deformities.

I wonder where Tide fits into all of this?

I suppose I could say that Tide as the plaster sculpture could embody God in true Heaven. The demi-gods and demons think they are privileged because they think they walk in heaven. They are arrogant and self-absorbed. They think humans are subservient to them because humans are weak. That is why humans hate the gods. But Marius is not like the gods and he is stronger than the humans. Marius, in fact is part demon. Or he used to be an angel, but he grew so powerful, so self-absorbed that he was cast out of heaven? Or maybe he was de-throned by jealous rivals. In any case, Marius is condemned to earth with one arm and one wing.

But in all his struggles, when Marius laments, why should I keep trying to be virtuous? His psyche speaks to him. It is his intuition, his spirituality. It is God speaking to him. The real heaven does exist and God exists, but it is not in the way the demi-gods and humans think it does.

Heaven exists with in a person. It is a state of mind, Marius realizes. And the real God speaks in whispers. In subtle feelings. Through Marius’ lament. Marius feels passion in spite of the purposelessness of living, of fighting to throw over the oppressive demi-gods and deceitful humans who would slay him for his wing. Marius fights, in hopes that someday there will be someone worth fighting for.

Though that person may really just be “God,” what ever that means.

Anyways. Enough of the self-projection. Onto the next essay.

Tide + Fear Intimacy + Becoming Dad

In talking about other ways people become evil, this other scribble is all about fearing to become my father. Another way people become evil is when they are so dead-set to not be somebody, whether out of spite or for fear, that they lean too far in an opposite direction to become spited for something else. That was vague -w/e-

My point is this: It is evil of children to allow a coldness to manifest between them and their parents. It can be hard for a parent to work their way into a child’s life. Maybe your dad doesn’t know how to be intimate with you. Maybe he is trying, but he just doesn’t know how.

Well, as a child. You should go to your father and re-establish dialogue.

In another way, this is how a child can prevent from becoming evil: whether you want to admit it or not. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If you hate your parents, it is worth it to ask for their stories, about their experiences, to see what concerns they had when they were growing up and what mistakes they wished they’d avoided. To seek out time with your parents and their experiences will serve you well. It is to seek out wisdom and perspective.

People who are evil do not seek perspective.

They are content to sit with what they know. People who are evil do not listen.

Anyways, to relate it to Tide, this bonding was powerful with me and my dad because my dad was able to learn from me as well, and he and my mothers’ relationship is better for it. My mom always fusses whenever my dad does thinks like cook or do laundry. She says he makes a mess or he’ll break something. Meanwhile. My mom overworks herself and then my dad feels controlled and when my mom gets stressed out, it all goes to hell.

Well, in one conversation my dad and I had over a drink, I was able to encourage him to do things like cook and to do laundry because, even though my mom might bitch, this is only at first. She will see that you can do it and then she will appreciate the load off.

My mom needs to be needed and my dad fears messing up (sometimes, like me). Both need to get over their fears to meet for a better end.

If my dad and I hadn’t started hanging out some afternoons over a drink, I’d still be afraid to be like him. I have to remember I am not my father, and with his wisdoms, I can hope to be the best of him. My father is a good man. He was a good and playful dad. He is very sentimental, though he can be scared to show it. I have embraced myself because of his gentleness. That is why I am a writer, like he says he’d wished he’d had the boldness to have been.

Tide + Fear Intimacy + Becoming Dad pt.2

 

Tide + Fear Intimacy + Mom Understanding

[credits to Eastern Mud Turtle image go here:]

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