The Boohides:

Crystal sleeping recouping. The boy live in realism. Edward hopper painting. Freed. No stress worry. Anxiety. Free to leave crystal while she sleeps and to work across the room. The boy has no real important work to do but to attend her? Love is all that is worth remembering? The boy retraces his days. Le the weekenders.

10:mon no Miyazaki

9: sun, little bear, frisbee, French toast

8: oar failure, lord of the rings, stayed the night.

7: Thursday.

“I have no great important work to do.”

The boy not trapped. Free to do what is in his control. Free to stand up for himself or to act without anxiety. The boy freed from anxiety of worry. The girl will follow.

Tomorrow we can be perfect. Today we can enjoy being broken.

“We have many golden hours ahead of us.”

The boy coming back to bed, Crystal coming back. Trust. The freedom to come and go. Knowledge. Predictably.

The painter hoppers views from bed.

The boy begins to have a gravity of his own. Kindness. Knowledge. Wisdom. Joy.

A silence as sweet as laughter.

Too painful to thank.

Martyr by silence

Sleep. Tunnel rite of passage. Reset.

Optimism and pessimism clash like lightning.

I seemed so terrifying. Like my dad.

Sad children play alone.

The boy saying I’m not ready.” To the ocean.

Jr love is always a choice. After you are free.

She undefinded like a beautiful word in a poem that sounds texture topographically rich and feature full, but dark, unrealized, unknown. inquire its name.

The demon, Lipsha’s wherewolf came out against her, demon, released his frightening anger elsewhere, …you should leave me alone now, a few days to be aloof. I don’t know what i feel.

The boy meltdown, “I don’t know what I feel!” the mirror shatters. night resonance. solitutde, peace. content. sure. uncertainty. never goes, but anxiety.

performance pressure. the artist. the flyer. the lover. “what if I fail?”

J.R. the boy not trying to read fast to move fast, slow learning, as it should be done, with lots of intermittent reflection. maybe the boy has read few books in his lifetime, but he has the gift of premonition, the monk, swift movement. everywhere by few efforts. J.R. the boy, child play content to work “slow” profoundity.

The girl. intoxicating, erotic. the boy realizes he was polluted by her as much as he polluted her. both were intoxicated, loves’ eroticism. when they part, they realize all they would have overlooked in eachother. not needed them to be complete or the whole picture: thats WHY it works: leaves them dependent still on friends.

You are an erotic encounter. her nose. sharp apostrophes. her olefactory sense, accute, dagger-like.

I still have so much I want to show you.

Hopkin’s poems, who struggles to balance the delights of the earth with the demands of heaven.

Why he loves her? Only something other could undertsand some thing mother. Both seaweed parts of both worlds. She came living. Lifted right out of a dream.

The boy begins drawing. Can on ly be seen. Scared when his drawing becomes premonition. Does it have to be inevitability? Myan time. Vs strict predestiny.

She smelled like smoke… As though froma. Shipwreck ages ago.

The boy photographs the girl civil war flash: blinking eyes. The ghost on camera

Understanding: the oil rig artificial becomes natural. Organic.

“Nobody else can understand what you got but you. You have to be able to understand what you got.”

The boy trying to understand an unresolved conflict since childhood.

What is the line between love and wisdom? Only where it becomes self-sabotaging to you.

Love, like stories. You just cannot force the answer. A line between effort and effortlessness.

Both of you have to be in place where you are ready to understand. Tabitha while cooking her manish hands.

Be friends, help her, guide her, be kind to her. Show her.

A good woman, a good teacher, a shower. withold judgement, a good teacher.

“I can see her as an adult, a woman now!” I can see myself as a man, a pilot!”

We coexist, cohabitate, but do not need the other to tell us how to grow up. mutual respect.

“Tabitha, I can see it now!” I can see the end, it is starting to form!”

Trust that you know her as well as you know yourself.

Mangata, understanding, plus guided by your intuitions: moonlight over the water of soul..

The Boohides: lots of lyrical moments. timelessness. time protracted.

pperambulator: in orbit around a question. gravity. the boy emits his own gravity. magnetism: relationship. Always more to know: the boy, encyclopedia: lover of knowledge. of things he didn’t understand, missed in his recollections.

Certainly, the boy can now play well with other children, certainly there will always be enough mystery he will revisit the moon on occasion, but to stay loyal and only to her, is the boy ready to be able to do that? When he is a man, certianly, is he a man now?

All autobiography is myth, all self-concept is fiction. our narratives replete with ceremony and rites of passage.

Certainly, an imagined future of laughter and happiness is nearer, more possible. the bridging worlds. aligning worlds. smooth trnasition., smooth passage.

“Where certainty ..flies by day, trust is nocturnal.

“At night, how can you tell the ocean from…the …”

“How can I percieve greater than what I am?” “Trust and incorperation. assimilation. of the margins. oedipus and empathy.”

“there’s nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it will be a butterfly.” Buckminster fuller. …as long as positive growth changes each time, its metamorphosis.

I would come home and write stories about time travel, imagine soap opera plotlines, and visualize scenarios about a future in which I was a successful psychologist. These early daydreams offered me a much-needed escape from the realities at school, where I was bullied by students and accorded low expectations from teachers. But no one had access to my most private mind, full of plans for my future and dreams of a different world. To students and teachers alike, however, my mental retreat from school provided only further evidence of my learning disability.

These early experiences made me recognize the power of daydreaming, the capacity to overcome the constraints of the present and travel to distant places and epochs all in the mind—our self-generated inner stream of images, memories, fantasies, and interior monologues. They arise on their own, not from perception. William James, the founder of American psychology, once quipped when accused of being absent-minded that he was really present-minded to his own thoughts.

Thoreau and J.R. “the beat of your own drummer. time. philosophy.

Unfortunately, history hasn’t been so kind to daydreaming. Freud believed daydreamers were infantile and neurotic. In the 1960s, psychology textbooks warned teachers that students who daydreamed were headed for psychosis. Even today, there is a disproportionate focus among scientists on the costs of daydreaming. In a recent study, two prominent psychologists proclaimed that “a wandering mind is an unhappy mind.”

Moths. day dreaming. searching for happiness. trying to imagine happiness.

Singer found that a major swath of society consists of “happy daydreamers”—people who enjoy vivid imagery and fantasy. They use daydreaming for plotting out their future. These daydreamers “simply value and enjoy their private experiences, are willing to risk wasting a certain amount of time on them, but also can apparently use them for effective planning and for self-amusement during periods of monotonous task activity or boredom,” Singer reported. He called this “positive-constructive daydreaming.”

Mother: the nurse: the boy daydreaming: allowing himself to imagine something different out of an unsatisfying, turbulent childhood experience.

The classic findings are, however, often ignored, and daydreaming is dismissed as a useless mental activity by parents, teachers, managers, and cognitive scientists alike. From an evolutionary perspective, their view makes no sense. Why would roughly half of our waking hours be spent in an activity that could potentially compromise survival, if not for some purpose?

From Instagram to Xboxes, board meetings to classroom lectures, we live in an age when the external environment makes compelling and competing demands for our attention. Rarely are people given the time to reflect, imagine, or daydream. As Singer noted “Our human condition is such that we are forever in the situation of deciding how much attention to give to self-generated thought and how much to information from the external social or physical environment.”

The human capacity for mental time travel, it turns out, gives us enormous possibilities for realizing our deepest desires and strivings.

A second style of daydreaming—guilty-dysphoric daydreaming—features unpleasant emotions such as anxiety, guilt, fear of failure, and obsessive, hostile, and aggressive fantasies about others. Such daydreamers are highly neurotic.

And then there is positive-constructive daydreaming, associated with openness to experience and reflecting a drive to explore ideas, imagination, feelings, and sensations. Openness to experience is linked to many indicators of psychological health, including happiness, positive emotions, and high quality of life.

The content of daydreams plays a big but hidden role in emotional well-being. People who report the least negative daydreams experience the lowest levels of negative emotions and depression.

Practice, Practice

Besides relieving boredom by providing an unlimited source of internally generated entertainment, daydreaming offers a huge arena for realizing our own potential.

In a recent study, daydreaming participants were intermittently interrupted and asked to record their thoughts. The researchers found that a significant portion of the participants’ mind-wandering episodes involved thoughts about the future. What’s more, those who thought the most about the future had the highest levels of attentional control—they were best able to maintain their daydreams.

Further, the researchers believe that the prospective bias serves the function of “autobiographical planning”—the setting and anticipation of personally relevant future goals and mental simulation of possible future scenarios, including the emotional reactions of others and ourselves in response to the imagined events.

Their findings corroborate earlier research by psychologist Eric Klinger showing that people’s daydreams and night dreams both reflect current concerns—whether thoughts of unfulfilled intentions (asking that guy out on a date, completing that graduate school application) or long-standing unresolved desires, ranging from sexual and social strivings to altruistic or vengeful urges. In other words, daydreams reflect the full kaleidoscope of human motivations. (See “Dream Scenes” below)

As a key feature of daydreaming, such autobiographical planning can be beneficial in the classroom. In one study, psychologists developed a nine-week after-school program in which students were given the time to imagine the academic futures they desired and to practice the skills required to realize them.

By the end of the school year, the daydreaming students reported a greater connection to their school, a greater concern about doing well in school, more strategies for actually realizing their dreams, and better attendance. What’s more, they were better able to balance their positive expectations against feared possible outcomes. There was also a significant reduction in behavioral problems among the boys. In other words, daydreaming helped students achieve the very things educators assume it hinders.

Imagining future selves pays dividends long after school ends. In one of the longest and most comprehensive studies of creative achievement ever conducted, psychologist E. Paul Torrance followed a group of elementary school children for more than 30 years. He collected a wide variety of indicators of creative and scholastic promise. Strikingly, he found that the best predictor of lifelong personal and publicly recognized creative achievement—even better than academic indicators such as school grades and IQ scores—was the extent to which children had a clear future-focused image of themselves.

J.R. White Snake future selves. Imagining who he wants to be in the future what is his core. J.R. doing well in school.

Daydreaming helps us consolidate memories and synthesize disparate ideas and plans, yielding a greater sense of identity and personal meaning.

Healthy social and emotional functioning and the ability to make meaning of life experiences rely on “constructive internal reflection,” observes Mary Helen Immordino-Yang, a psychologist at the University of Southern California. Feeling compassion or inspiration—and spring-boarding from these emotions to construct personal meaning—involves making connections between our outer social world and our inner mental life.

In one study, Immordino-Yang asked students how a series of stories involving the suffering of others made them feel. The more students paused reflectively before answering, the more cognitively abstract, complex, and compassionate their answers, and the more students made connections to their own lives.

Yet contemporary Western culture often emphasizes action and appearance-oriented values over compassion and moral elevation. We admire evident skill, whether a dazzling basketball dunk or a masterful violin performance, and flinch at another’s twisted ankle. But to become deeply inspired by another person, or to passionately connect with the plight of another, we need to do more than react to what’s in front of us. It requires the mental high-wire act of projecting ourselves into the inner emotional life of that person. “You have to simulate how it must feel to be that person and how they have acted cumulatively over time in order to infer their current mental state,” Immordino-Yang explains.

Social media and entertainment, even rote classroom demands, could thwart the imagination process by robbing children of opportunities to reflect and build personal meaning. Such activities focus mental resources on the concrete, physical, and immediate social world, fostering a more superficial self.

What’s more, daydreaming can enhance self-control and creativity. The more people daydreamed during the simple task, the greater their resistance to the immediate temptation; they held out for a larger reward in the future.

J.R. meditation: reward: how to break the dam and free Seneka. in spite of the temptation to quit.

Turning attention away from the external world can also allow us to tap into our wellsprings of creativity. Many highly creative writers, artists, and scientists were major daydreamers as children. The long list of highly accomplished daydreamers includes Einstein, Newton, the Brontë family, W. H. Auden, and C. S. Lewis.

The Grackles are an emotionally-different species of human: they were daydreamers…

“Highly Accomplished Daydreamers.”

The Grackles are an emotionally-different species of human: they were daydreamers…

As my colleague Rebecca McMillan and I observed in a recent review of daydreaming research, “Having to reread a line of text three times because attention has drifted away matters very little if that attention shift allows us to access a key insight, a precious memory, or make sense of a troubling event.” Likewise, “arriving home from the store without the eggs that necessitated the trip is a mere annoyance when weighed against coming to a decision to ask for a raise, leave a job, or go back to school.”

J.R.’s imagined noise dial: hile taking the SAT. The inability to control inner chatter can lead to unhappiness and depression, and can cause a decline in vigilance, reading comprehension, and short-term memory.

In contrast, the generation of inner experience relies on collaboration between the medial prefrontal cortex, the hippocampus, the posterior cingulate cortex, and the precuneus—the so-called default mode network. Their interaction covers a lot of mental territory, including recalling autobiographical memories and semantic information (the president’s birthday, for example), thinking about or planning the future, imagining new events, inferring the mental states of others, reasoning about moral dilemmas, reading fiction, self-reflecting, and appraising social and emotional information. However, the more we prioritize the external environment, the more we restrict engagement of the default mode network and the mental functions in its domain.

Suppression of the default mode network is essential for learning; it allows us to pay attention to what’s going on around us and take in new information. But consistent underutilization of the default mode network may also have detrimental consequences. As Immordino-Yang suggests, it could hinder compassion and the meaning-making essential for developing and maintaining an understanding of oneself in the world.

Far less recognized, however, is the role the executive attention network plays in blocking out the external environment, allowing us to focus our limited attentional capacities on more personal, longer-term goals. Recent research suggests that the default and executive attention networks sometimes form a dynamic duo, collaborating whenever we perform a task that requires extended evaluation of internal information, from future planning to keeping track of social information to appraising creative ideas.

Traditional theories of intelligence do not recognize this joint activity. They emphasize cognitive control and on-the-spot problem-solving as the hallmarks of intellect-ual functioning. IQ tests heavily recruit the executive attention network. But it comprises only one bandwidth of intelligence, one focused on immediate, impersonal matters. The mental actions of the default mode network—involving personal memories, dreams, goals, and aspirations—are not given full play.

Here’s the rub: Often behavior that is viewed as unintelligent through a lens focused on short-term impersonal goals is, in fact, brilliant when judged more holistically in the long term. There are different ways of being smart.

The Mindfulness Paradox

Those people whose daydreams are most positive and most specific also score high in mindfulness, a purposeful, nonjudgmental mode of awareness. But how can both mindfulness, which emphasizes awareness of the present, and daydreaming, which is all about letting go of the present, promote health and well-being?

Mindfulness helps train a number of executive attention functions, including attentional control, cognitive inhibition, mental flexibility, and emotional regulation. All are crucial for allowing us to maintain focus on the external environment and ignore inner chatter as situations demand.

The same skills contribute to positive constructive daydreaming. They enable us to insulate ourselves from the external world and sustain vivid, structured daydreams with immense personal value. They help us screen out negative, past-oriented, repetitive daydreams that undermine well-being. As psychologist Klinger says, they help keep your life’s agenda in front of you.

The greatest benefit of mindfulness isn’t harnessing one mode of thought over another. Mindfulness fosters the ability to switch between different modes of mental activity—that is, it confers flexibility of attention. We can choose to uncouple attention from the outside world to pursue an inner stream of thought that may have a personal payoff, whether it’s achieving a new insight or projecting oneself forward in time to success.

At the end of the day, these are the mental activities that make each of us unique and give our lives purpose and meaning. It is only through daydreaming that we can go beyond what is to what could be.

No, sex doesn’t figure much at all into daydreams—driving content for a mere 5 percent of dreamers. Relationships, on the other hand, are a consistently significant theme, especially the rehearsal of scenarios of upcoming social events, whether previewing party repartee or a job interview.

Listening to your daydreams can provide valuable information about yourself and your deepest desires, and can also give you more control over your emotions and actions. Longtime daydreaming researcher Eric Klinger of the University of Minnesota has found that the content of daydreams, because they are intensely personal, varies tremendously from person to person. Still, he says, there are two common themes, such as the conquering hero and the suffering martyr.

The conquering hero plotline features a daydreamer who has achieved success or power, such as an NBA basketball player or pop singer, or who has conquered a personal fear, such as public speaking or asking strangers out on a date. Usually these dreams have a positive outcome, such as a cheering audience or a receptive response to a social invitation. Klinger believes that such fantasies reflect a need for control and for overcoming life’s petty frustrations. They tend to be more common among men, he says, drawing on anecdotal evidence.

The daydreams of suffering martyrs involve feeling misunderstood or underappreciated. These daydreamers imagine scenarios in which friends or coworkers regret their denigrating actions, and eventually acknowledge the person’s positive skills or character. This could range from a boss apologizing for undervaluing performance, to a former lover begging for another chance, to the “popular” crowd at school asking for forgiveness for excluding the daydreamer from their social circle.

Images like mana. divine precipitate. snow of the subconscious. emotional substance. sustenance.

This will never be done until after a second rite of passage is traversed.

Flannery O’Connor: It was like losing her own life, and finding it miraculously in his.

We are all damned. Blindfolds seeing through to nothing. Its a kind if salvation.

Like two steel pipes.

She nourished it.. Like nourished his soul.

J.R. Stop trying so hard to be grown up. tress just grow..

Jr. Just stop trying. Too tender to touch.

Lipsha: Anee Skully’s Dad: British jaguar ad.

Anaconda corp: MAnufactured dreams.

Determinded not to throw true love away.

“I see it through time and I sight through smell.”

In the end the boy scares the wolf.

Too difficult the boy cannot show hardly his emotions too limited. Some one who doesn’t suppress him so.

The dawn coming freedom, release, ease. Adulthood. Quitting? Letting go? Maturation. Pink grey yellow on steel the plat form. A covey.

Talking with Hannah. The dawn rises in us.

The boy able to deal with his mom. Now.

Leave behind the chaos of the land for the sea. Harbor. Where you actually depend on that person.

J.R. Realizing he was never isolated– he was insecure elitist. Afraid of boring lives like it was a disease. Afraid of the ugly. Unworthy. Unintelligent. Unskilled. Jr thought people didn’t like him for these reasons. He could have hung with them all along.

Now the boy has resolved his old conflict childhood drama with the ghost girl.. [dawn] he needs to experience being normal. Adventurous. Inter social. To grow into manhood. He is not ready to be secluded.

I am afraid if we keep dating I will be secluded from people.

When is a relationship over? When all the clumsy antics that once commenced it fail to restore it. That which attempts at intimacy drives a wedge, it’s broken.

Now by dawn, I see by sight and direct my sails around that Charybdis on the sea.

Breaking up: accepting peoples limits: from naievity loneliness to solitude: red dawn. Peace horizonal. Rocking on the rowboat, beyond the most, realistic bearings, expectations, surety, master, commandeering uncertainty. Planning. Strategy. On to U.O.T.H. He girl, sun grey red dry watery eyes is fated for her own destiny. Parting hand shake. “I will witness you from a far.” “And I you.”

His illusions burned away..

One must accept the natural

Limitations of his fellow human beings…love. Girl.

Not “freed” but not bound either. Just living within their domains. Seneka the girl aloof of people.. The boy freed needing to be a part of them. Not apart. That small distance of space.

“After the first emotions are over…”

“A parting without pain or nostalgia.” Revisiting without dwelling upon…the past.”

Honest acknowledgement of human limits and fine distinctions. Boundaries and territories. The boy an artist not a god. Not a suicide.

Atlantic vs. Mediterranena.

Limits: too limited of an understanding.

To speak through silence.

The boy needs to start moving into U.O.T.H. Mode.

All I have is a kind and torturous silence. Words cannot speak through words, I must speak through the wind, through the ocean, through the nighttime mediums. I must speak like “Mangata,” or the path of moonlight on the water.

How am I to be expressed but as a kind and torturous silence? How am I to become but an example of faulty verbalization? When the totality of my understand more than my words contain My lips must must be the wind, my tongue the ocean, my speech the murmuring nighttime mediums. I must speak as “mangata,” or the ebbing path of moonlight on the water. A bridge but the reflection of a reflection that into stipples fractions against this rowboat. Having A message so many miles across, Must travel so great a distance What business have I to contend with words when words seem but cruel packages that deliver only the hurt and nothing of all that I understand? And my emotion comes to me as dainty pictures? I should cut out my tongue and box that which makes maligns. allies me to my enemies and construes friends into villains, I am prisoner to language. My thoughts are free. What am I but a hurt in the fault of Nighttime. What patch exists for this wound but.. The rites of commanemt ..or negligence?

Epiphanies warming like the slow cracking of the ice.

“Alright, I don’t know what else to say.”

“It’s said.”

“I feel nothing, only the weightlessness of my future ahead of me.”

The blue and yellow light of dawn arriving. I have seen it playing out in my stories, my head and my heart. This is not love it is desperation anxiety. Scared to be wrong. Not knowing myself.

“When our imaginations meet a mind decidedlynot like ours, our own nature is called suddenly into question.” We place our own eye beside the fish in order to question what we are seeing. Consciousness can’t be taken for granted when there are a variety of ways of seeing. Boohides, the boy, the girl, moths, seneka. insect eyes and night time perception. detecting. “the result is an intoxicating uncertainty.” “And that is a relief, is it not, that we do not afterall know what a self is?” the boy…Edward Hopper freed, solitude, sacrificing self. “Its the unsayability of what being is that drives a poet to speak..” Uncertainty of what self is.. “a corrective to human arrogance, a [medicine] to the numbing certainty that puts a soul to sleep.” The boy, awarness, aliveness, the undertainty never goes away, only the undue. impeded anxiety…of it…the boy liberated from the anxiety only, not the uncertainty, thus the boy freed to be first and foremost friends to the girl. because he has a strong sense of self. “you need to go be what you are” but it does not mean you have to go, go away. go while you are with me, go and come away in your imagination., be transformed where you sit, cocoon. “to make versions of the world…understanding their inevitable incompletion [circling the drain] closeness death] the impossibility of circumsribing the unreadable thing living is. perhaps the dream of lyric poetry is not to represent states of mind, but to provoke them in the reader. Bishops poems resotre us to a sense of energized, liberating uncertainty.

White snake chapped blue lips.

Lawrence Lewis, troubled by inflamed eyes and boating none of his uncles legendary work ethic, seemed an unlikely Romeo. …when the war tocsin sounded in the fall of 1978, Lewis accepted a captaincy in the Light Dragoons.

A captaincy in the Light Dragoons. G W park Custis his fellow drifter.. To be made a cornet in the same troop.

Forced to abandon her Nelly parks intention to live as a “prim starched spinster.”

“Virginia, the ancient, the great and powerful, the rich and Republican state of Virginia, still remains free and independent.” -Jefferson. The Old Dominion.

Patrick Henry: the Virginia Demosthenes

The Hessian fly

Belly and Lawrence were married [in the great hall], at the foot of the staircase whos banister nelly [the bride] used to [had] liked to ride as a child.

Then Washington had given his wife’s granddaughter a box on the cheek. Now he rewarded her with a kiss and more.”

Hamilton “Little Mars.”

Lord horatio Nelson’s sweeping victory over a French fleet in the Battle of the Nile.

The boy: adulthood: independence. learning to assume now everyone knows more than he does.

Slavery: how tightly we are harbored with our vices.

The story goes: An angry man went to a Zen master and complained about his wife’s wrong-doing with righteous indignation. The master advised him to let himself become completely filled with hate — of course with his wife not in proximity. Then the angry man was supposed to ask himself if he felt better. He didn’t and then gave up his anger altogether. Viktor Frankl would’ve called this intervention paradox. If you have the right constitution, you might want to worsen your worry and learn to tolerate the worst case scenario. It is possible that you notice right then that it isn’t the end of the world after all. On the other hand, you may have to become more curious and…

3. Learn From Your Anxiety

The Boohides: realizing there are no worst case scenarios, there are only scenarios, and each will be touched upon in its own time.

The boy at the platform of understanding: wanting to know what that red light was, but a red herring. A bouy. Red dawn, listless flashing. As fish eye. Rocking on the water

There is one mistake I will not make: a mistake of haste. intransigence. life is editable. revisable. all changes will be changes of graduation, gradation. evolution. gradual. equilibrium.

Saving the men, from what? Haste. manliness. macho…steadfastness..decisiveness against reason.

Moths: flapping their wings against the screen, to dust…cramming the protracted drama of their lives into a few short moments…scales..moments falling like dust. beat themselves…to deadly resistence.. tattered wings like paper. guideless.blind. nighttime. shocked. afraid.

The boy: not scared, but hesitant to explore the dark. to dispell irrational forms and guises demonds lurking the the corners. shadows. for fear makes all threats seem closer than they appear. the ground slipping from under him.

The boy with the steadfastness of the girl: dawn, she loves him despite he is insane (unreaosned), he loves her despite she is bedridden sometimes (nerve probelm) reading together. creating. …their spell broken only by true unconditional. love. diffusing distortion. seen as friends. platform. coral growth. picking eachother up. standing up to face the dawn. cool wind. bustling. endless expanse of ocean..

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

Space, time apart, baby steps, trial run practice… they learn to enjoy what eachother needs…harmony. dual epicenter, stereometric. stereocomedy/ isosteric. isomeric isometric.

Fish, other, fraid mindless. wisdom. cat licking his paws, preeing, Tom self-foucused. unconcerned…

The boy, determinded not to throw away true love. how will you know? …It was just a nightmare..

Under anesthesia, time, forgetfulness. the boy going under..medicine..allows time to forget, the old skin to fall off, old self to a new one created…the girl dying as the boy goes under…she looked alien to him that first time they met…those lost and grey looking eyes. dawn.

to see as they actually are..eyes un horrified. stop fighting. resiting. let it come..

The platform is “dad” as the white light one the ocean was the mother in BOASW

Her scent lingers on his bed like cemetery. wet trees. wet black boughs. perfume a strange perfume. fragrant pond.

Story: as the house settles, in the storm, the details come as dust. Tabitha sweeps them out. dustpan. “The trick is knowing what details have meaning and which ones don’t.”

Seers foresight: trying to see more than they can know.

Room infested with lady bugs: dawn. ash. as though a fire had been buring. the girl behind him.

gulper eels. night monsters. angler fish. burshing up as anemones brushed aginst by clwnfish.

“The opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality

Watch more comedy.

Show more excitement, gratitude, vulnerability to people.

Vitality: the power of something to continue to live.

Edward Hopper: Through diary entries, we learn that Hopper ridiculed, degraded and occasionally beat or bruised his wife, that he refused to let her drive their car, that he thwarted her career even as she devotedly helped him find subjects to paint. Nevertheless, as his model, intellectual peer and fellow artist, she stimulated his creativity, and, according to Levin, they became partners and conspirators in a domestic drama of deep attraction and violent opposition that fed his disquieting vision of modern life.

As his work (subject and execution) was controlled and inexpressive, so was he as a person. His life

The boy: saw the girl as dead. She was never dead. She came alive like out of the winter thaw the boy

Accepting her not rejecting her: ooblik. Love transforms from the inside out. Cocoon.

Tabitha: Lamont giving a haircut. Mannish hands fighting parents was timid as a child too. Loves.

One side of Seneka: friendly to others.

The ghost grasses.

The boy is only allowed to be the villain.

I feel shipwrecked, I feel as though my life has been dashed upon the rocks. If I only could have known then what i know now. I have betrayed everything. I have lost everything. I will always lose. I am only broken. I wanted so bad for you to even look at me yesterday. All my talking only makes you hurt worse.

Yeah? Its spo obvious /I’m always trying to cheat on you when even while you are gone im putting so much effort into this that you dont ever get to see.
and while you are there i try to introduce you as my girldfriend and bring you over when i know you dont even want to be around me.
I’m not talking anymore.
Yeah, well ,I hope you realize you always say that when I prove my fucking point.
Its not fair to me. Everything is aleways going to be my fault. I’ll never do anything right so long as things are like this.
God. I fucking love you. and i try so hard to do everything right, even while you want nothing more then to be acrsso the world from me.
Jesus. I fucking love you., I love you. God. But nothing i can ever say or do can convince you of that.
now a wedge has been driven between us again.
Chris and Ian are your comforters. maybe one day they will help you to understand.
Now you are crying and I’m just the villain again.
Always, I will never be allowed to be anything more than that.
I can’t argue with your beliefs, okay. Its like arguing religion. You’ll just pay attention to whatever signs you want to.
I never get any fucking credit. I don’t. Maybe in certain things. Nothing i ever say is good enough. It feels like 90% of my efforts are just ignored. I will always be the villain.
I’m always the bad guy.
I’ve lost everything.
I’m completely powerless. I’ll never be anything but a source of pain to you.
I’ll never be able to make you feel how much I love you. I’ll never do enough things right to get us to a place where you can feel that again.
I’ll never be able to get us to a place where you can see all the things i love about you.
I’m so hurt. I love you so much, but love only feels like an unreachable distance. You are so close to me, yet miles away. I love you so much, it kills me nothing i can ever do will make you feel that. it kills me. I am a dead man. This will always torture me, I will have always failed you. I’m so broken. I am powerless to show you how much I love you. I hurt so much. I can’t stop loving you.
I feel shipwrecked, I feel as though my life has been dashed upon the rocks. If I only could have known then what i know now. I have betrayed everything. I have lost everything. I will always lose. I am only broken. I wanted so bad for you to even look at me yesterday. All my talking only makes you hurt worse.
Why? Why do I have to be the way i am? Why can’t i ever get this right? I love you so much. That is the only emotion i ever feel. I obsess over you. I am consumed by you. I’m helpless to make you feel it. I’m so broken and tortured. I only make everything worse. Where do I go so I don’t make you hurt? I’m so broken over you.
I just love you. I just love you. I just love you. I just love you. I just do. I do. I do. I do. I don’t care if I’ll spend the rest of my life paying for this. You’re the only person I’ll ever love, honest and truly. Long after you are gone, I will be devoted to you. My head, my heart, your image will live in me it will will always be my sign post, my guiding light. I will spend the rest of my life trying to honor you. I’ll never be able to put it in words. I’ll never be able to calm you if i can’t rub your back. I’m powerless to be anything but the villain. Now i am talking too much. I’m talking too much. Every word I say is but salt in the wound. I’m so powerless. I’m so broken. I’m so in love. I’ve only lost.

Yeah? Its spo obvious /I’m always trying to cheat on you when even while you are gone im putting so much effort into this that you dont ever get to see.
and while you are there i try to introduce you as my girldfriend and bring you over when i know you dont even want to be around me.
I’m not talking anymore.
Yeah, well ,I hope you realize you always say that when I prove my fucking point.
Its not fair to me. Everything is aleways going to be my fault. I’ll never do anything right so long as things are like this.
God. I fucking love you. and i try so hard to do everything right, even while you want nothing more then to be acrsso the world from me.
Jesus. I fucking love you., I love you. God. But nothing i can ever say or do can convince you of that.
now a wedge has been driven between us again.
Chris and Ian are your comforters. maybe one day they will help you to understand.
Now you are crying and I’m just the villain again.
Always, I will never be allowed to be anything more than that.
I can’t argue with your beliefs, okay. Its like arguing religion. You’ll just pay attention to whatever signs you want to.
I never get any fucking credit. I don’t. Maybe in certain things. Nothing i ever say is good enough. It feels like 90% of my efforts are just ignored. I will always be the villain.
I’m always the bad guy.
I’ve lost everything.
I’m completely powerless. I’ll never be anything but a source of pain to you.
I’ll never be able to make you feel how much I love you. I’ll never do enough things right to get us to a place where you can feel that again.
I’ll never be able to get us to a place where you can see all the things i love about you.
I’m so hurt. I love you so much, but love only feels like an unreachable distance. You are so close to me, yet miles away. I love you so much, it kills me nothing i can ever do will make you feel that. it kills me. I am a dead man. This will always torture me, I will have always failed you. I’m so broken. I am powerless to show you how much I love you. I hurt so much. I can’t stop loving you.
I feel shipwrecked, I feel as though my life has been dashed upon the rocks. If I only could have known then what i know now. I have betrayed everything. I have lost everything. I will always lose. I am only broken. I wanted so bad for you to even look at me yesterday. All my talking only makes you hurt worse.
Why? Why do I have to be the way i am? Why can’t i ever get this right? I love you so much. That is the only emotion i ever feel. I obsess over you. I am consumed by you. I’m helpless to make you feel it. I’m so broken and tortured. I only make everything worse. Where do I go so I don’t make you hurt? I’m so broken over you.
I just love you. I just love you. I just love you. I just love you. I just do. I do. I do. I do. I don’t care if I’ll spend the rest of my life paying for this. You’re the only person I’ll ever love, honest and truly. Long after you are gone, I will be devoted to you. My head, my heart, your image will live in me it will will always be my sign post, my guiding light. I will spend the rest of my life trying to honor you. I’ll never be able to put it in words. I’ll never be able to calm you if i can’t rub your back. I’m powerless to be anything but the villain. Now i am talking too much. I’m talking too much. Every word I say is but salt in the wound. I’m so powerless. I’m so broken. I’m so in love. I’ve only lost.

That’s why I only talk to them.
I really want to try to give you whatever you need. I’m not going to leave you.
You’ll have to leave me someday.
I don’t ever want to leave you.
After everything, you honestly see us staying together for the rest of our lives?
Without a doubt.
How?
I wish our fights and disputes could go away like a cloud. When I see the way you interact with Chris and Ian I know that could be me. And everytime, in our lowest of the lows, or no matter how frustrated I get, I never doubt whether I love you.
That doesn’t mean we should stay together.
I don’t want anyone else.
Please, everytime you think I am untrustworthy, don’t you always find out I was putting in more effort than what it seemed?
Don’t you always discover the goodness of my intentions? No different than I discover the goodness in yours?
I can’t bring myself to believe they’re good intentions. I don’t trust them even though I want to.
We just have to give it time. I am trying to trust that everything will work itself out. We have Chris and Ian to help us, and I have Josh. If we didn’t have them, I would say, no way, we will never make it. But this relationship stands on more than just us until time can sort us out.
I don’t know.
I think we’ve done all we can do today, text me when/if you feel like, okay? I love it when you do that.
I feel like I want to keep texting. I don’t know what to say.
Do you know how glad that makes me? I’m going to save that sentiment.

You try to change yourself too much.

That’s too difficult to narrow down.
Lord. Give me a minute haha.
Visions of Johanna by Bob Dylan. Star Witness by Neko Case. Crescent City by Lucinda Williams. Paradise by Jenny Lewis. Walk the Line by Johnny Cash. Those are my current top 5. It tends to change every now and then.
Do you know, I am surprised to say, but your taste in music has grown on me? I didn’t dislike them before, but now I just appreciate them on a whole new level.
There’s so much about you I missed before.
What do you mean?
Hmm. I was always interested in you before, you always intrigued me, but I never quite explored your world of tastes as much as I should have.
Oh. I see.
Hmm. I feel so much right now. I’m not trying to say much because I’m trying to let some of the emotion in this pare back. But listening to your music right now, and exploring your tastes, it’s like returning home from a long night of work and finding your scent in my bedroom after sex.
Just being slammed with your presence, light, sweet, fragrant. Always just beyond perception. I can see you like I see a ghost. I love you so much.
What, are you listening to those songs?
I feel so horrible about everything. I wish we could leave it all in distant lands.
Yeah.

Jr the boy needs to be saved from his own savior complex.

Learn that which brings me joy

Jr stop trying so hard to be a force fit, be you, be white snake.

A cockroach in the corner scrambles
Though a box comes escapes

Grandma grandpa watching tv

Who is pretty anyways?

“I can’t connect the dots to you anymore.”

Be like Bjork.

A relationship is like playing an instrument it takes attention and care to get it turned right.

I am like an instrument.

Jr quietly knows he isn’t going and is glad. He is looking towards the next step he thanks god

Boy scared to play foow the leader

The Boohides:

Didn’t like to take follow no body

I don’t need attention, I just need you to treat this seriously in front of other people.

No one else thinks I’m pretty but you, is my point.

I would really love to paint you if I have the talent.

Your face is emblazoned in my mind. But everytime I try you say all those things are ugly.

I wish I could show you what I see in you.

No, I used to think I was pretty. After being with you and seeing the looks on your friends’ faces when I meet them, seeing how girls just throw themselves on you like that, telling me how they try to kiss you…I just feel like shit about myself.

You just don’t notice in yourself what everyone else recognizes.

I’m so upset that other people treat me like you’re not with me.
I never feel like I’m good enough to be with you.
Then it is my failing if I have ever allowed you to feel that.
I always feel that. When you introduce me to people, some of them look at me with such a cruel look like they don’t think I’m pretty enough for you.
I really need to be bolder when I introduce you. You are far too pretty for that. Your beauty casts an erotic aura when you are confident.
No one else thinks so.

I don’t want people knowing, because they’re already unsupportive.
Yeah, I don’t really tell people if we’ve broken up either.
It seems like you talk to a lot of people about us. I limit to Chris and Ian. I hate that you tell your family about us.
At this point I don’t really talk about it to anyone that much. No one can give me informed advice, and I already know how I feel about this. Josh helps me when he talks about his and Hannah’s relationship, it helps me to put ours into perspective. My parents are bad role models to seek advice from. Josh, Chris, and Ian would be my only people to talk to.
Chris and Ian are good since they are unbiased and understand your side of it too.
I feel like I want to keep texting. I don’t know what to say.
I loved those pump heels you wore on Monday. You looked stunning in that outfit.
Especially with your broken piano tattoo.
I want a higher pair of black heels with a peeptoe for this dress.
And thanks.
I really can’t wait for you to be able to come here with me. I keep imagining what it would be like to have you beside me. I like to try to imagine what we would talk about.
I’m so upset that other people treat me like you’re not with me.
I like to imagine how you would look at me. I imagine I would be delusioned a bit, and allow myself to mistake the humidity in your glittering eyes for endearment.
Yeah, I don’t like it either. I would soon for our intimacy to be unmistakable.
I never feel like I’m good enough to be with you.
Then it is my failing if I have ever allowed you to feel that.
I always feel that. When you introduce me to people, some of them look at me with such a cruel look like they don’t think I’m pretty enough for you.
I really need to be bolder when I introduce you. You are far too pretty for that. Your beauty casts an erotic aura when you are confident.
No one else thinks so.
You just don’t notice in yourself what everyone else recognizes.
No, I used to think I was pretty. After being with you and seeing the looks on your friends’ faces when I meet them, seeing how girls just throw themselves on you like that, telling me how they try to kiss you…I just feel like shit about myself.

It seems like you talk to a lot of people about us. I limit to Chris and Ian. I hate that you tell your family about us.

I want a higher pair of black heels with a peeptoe for this dress.

I’m so upset that other people treat me like you’re not with me.

I always feel that. When you introduce me to people, some of them look at me with such a cruel look like they don’t think I’m pretty enough for you.

No, I used to think I was pretty. After being with you and seeing the looks on your friends’ faces when I meet them, seeing how girls just throw themselves on you like that, telling me how they try to kiss you…I just feel like shit about myself.

I feel like I want to keep texting. I don’t know what to say.
I never feel like I’m good enough to be with you.

I felt so stupid about buying the frisbee.
I want to believe it. I hope you can see that.
I need to let go of this.
I don’t know if I can handle it anymore.
I want this to be okay, but I neve feel like it will be.
Sometimes I wish we were just friends.
I’m afraid to.
I couldn’t handle it if Ireland happens again.

2. Knowing each other vs. changing each other. People who love in a healthy way work to know each other by building maps of each other and working hard to discover more and more of who each other are. Tainted love demands that you change into what someone else wants you to be. It doesn’t care who you are, just that you conform to its demands.

4. Repair vs. revenge. If your partner really loves you, fights become ways to learn more about each other. You will see a genuine effort to repair conflicts through turning toward each other and sincere listening to feelings. Tainted love is vindictive. Each argument turns into an opportunity for payback. You’ll see fights produce blaming, coercion or rejection.

Shared goals vs. selfishness. Real love places two people into a joined life-space, where they create shared goals that promote each other’s well-being. Your partner should want your your hopes and dreams to come true. Tainted love takes for itself, it doesn’t give. Unhealthy love asks you to sacrifice your dreams, not fulfill them. Tainted love is self-interest, not other interest.

believing that we are above-average in our talents and abilities; focusing on what we have already invested toward a goal (known as the sunk-cost fallacy); and seeing what’s a really a complete miss as a “near win.” Overoptimism increases our ability to hoodwink ourselves into thinking we’re making progress when we’re really standing still.

seeing what’s a really a complete miss as a “near win.

Van Gogh: 4. Optimism feeds the illusion of control.

5. Positive thinking can be a distraction.

I love you, Jason. But we don’t work. We make each other miserable. The way you’re feeling now will pass.
I wish you’d see the ways you contradict these feelings in what you say and do.
Why it’s so difficult to trust you.
I was humiliated.
The looks they gave me.
I was. I felt a knot in my stomach.

I still feel upset about yesterday. About everything.
I’m really upset about that girl.
You think that is a justification?
Look who you fucked.
She wasn’t pretty and she was immoral. You fucked her ANYWAY.
You should have even acted uncomfortable when she touched you.
You’re never honestly sorry and this is why I say that.
You sit and make excuses for it and put it back on me.
I couldn’t talk to you. I shouldn’t have invited you. I felt too uncomfortable to get close. It hurt to look at you. I was sorry you felt hurt last night. You can’t take responsibility for how you made me feel. How you keep making me feel. Like I’m just your bitch girlfriend that you’re not that serious about.
You did make advances and you don’t even see that you did.
You make me feel like such shit about myself when you were the one flirting with her.

We’re never going to have it again. I feel convinced of it.
I love you.
I don’t think you even know me .
I love you so much. I’m sorry for all the hurts in this. I’ve been trying so hard to close the gap.
That’s a project.
Not for me, for me it is remembering.
You’re only happy in this if we’re constantly moving so we don’t have to look at what’s wrong.
Really? How does that make sense if I’m the one who is supposedly nitpicking?
I think the minute we break up, you’re going to go find other girls that will do this all with you.
How are you not convinced?
Because I know you still love me.
It doesn’t matter. You don’t love me for me.
I love you so much, I am giving you everything I have. Even my sanity. My patience, all of it. And when that’s not enough I am racking my brain for anything else I could give. And when hats not enough, I even give you my silence and my lament that I had nothing else to give. And then I take walks because I am so undid.
And I don’t give you any of that?
Yes, and so I know not togive up on this.
I give you all of that too. And it’s not enough.
I’m just trying not to be wounded anymore, becuase I know you still needed more time.
I never stop feeling wounded.
I shouldn’t have texted you. I thought I was ready.
I’m sorry my jibe hurt you.
I’m sorry I joked too soon on Monday, because now I know how you felt.
I love you so much. You are like my catnip. I go insane for you.
It doesn’t feel that way.
That’s the insanity: trying to seem relaxed when I feel nothing of calm on the inside. Because I know you needed space. And I needed to keep the mood light.
I needed them to make me laugh or I would have been miserable.
That’s why I love our friend family.
I don’t know if we can be together.
I love you too.
Is that it then?
I feel like you don’t see me, just a bunch of characters.
No. You don’t show me things like that.
I feel like you only show me your bad sides and tell me what you find wrong with me.

How are you not convinced?
Because I know you still love me.
It doesn’t matter. You don’t love me for me.
I love you so much, I am giving you everything I have. Even my sanity. My patience, all of it. And when that’s not enough I am racking my brain for anything else I could give. And when hats not enough, I even give you my silence and my lament that I had nothing else to give. And then I take walks because I am so undid.
And I don’t give you any of that?

We’re never going to have it again. I feel convinced of it.
I love you.
I don’t think you even know me .

No one believes we’re in love.
Because really, we’re just not.
Well, I’ll bring you with me, I was afraid to make you nervous. But I’ll trust myself to be smooth about it and not make you feel uncomfortable.
I am in love with you, even now. I take so much pride in you.
Even watching you throw frisbee from a distance makes me so emotional I could cry because I’m trying so hard to restore that.
When you are hanging on me I feel happiest of all. And when you look at me endearingly as though I am the only one in the world, I can’t describe it. I wish you would hang on me. You’re the only one I care about.

You love a potential, a possibility if none of this happened. I can’t compete with that.

I’m sorry you’re hurting right now.
I don’t believe you bring out the worst in me.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry you feel that way.
I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.
I know your hurt. That’s why I texted you.
I’m sorry for everything.
I know it bothered you.
I know. I’m sorry.
Well, at least you’re still laughing. That’s good at least?
It was just too soon. And other factors today didn’t help.
I don’t know what to do. There are so many things in this that hurt me and make me worry about the future.
Well, I don’t believe that. I don’t think you’re ever going to see me how I am and that’s a big concern. I also hate that you just let girls flirt with you like I’m not even there.
Yeah, yet you let her put her hands all over you and pay with your hair while I was sitting right there.
I honestly believe you’ll cheat on me at some point. You flirt with other girls right in front of me that I don’t even know.
I wouldn’t do that to you. There are many things that I wouldn’t do to you that you do to me .
Yeah, you’re wildly unstable, you’re telling me that. So I think it’s impossible for me to trust you’ll never get with another girl.
Could have fooled me. You really acted like you enjoyed it.
Maybe if I got hit on half as much as you do, I wouldn’t always question my place in this. Always thinking about how people ask “why is he with her”
Yeah, at least I know how they feel about me. At least I know they think I’m better than all these girls you flirt with or the one in Ireland.
So did I. But it’s always about you feeling hurt. I was sorry you felt hurt. You’re not sorry I was.
You think I’m not sorry?
You love the idea, the “potential” of what I could be. Like you love the stories you work on. I’m a project. You won’t really love me unless I’m complete.
You’re trying to change everything, fix all the problems.
I stopped doing it. You asked me to tell you everything that irritated me.

It is a shame we couldn’t stay as natural as the beginning.
I was focused on myself. I wasn’t worried about the future then.
Don’t you think you’re too worried about it now?
Yes.
Well, don’t you think that is having a big impact on us?
Yes.
Why do you think you can’t stop obsessing over the future?
Because I can’t imagine it and I’m afraid you’ll seclude me from many of the things I love.
Then I guess it’s better to part ways, because I’m not sure what else I can do or say to convince you I want you to do whatever you want to do.
It’s things like that which upset me. That is why I feel like I can never please you, like I will never make you happy. Why I feel you are always finding problems with me. I think deep down, you don’t honestly want to be with me.
And do you see how you’re turning small issues into giant, lifetime problems which are completely irrational?
Nevermind how I’ve said Virginia is my home and I don’t really want to leave it. Nevermind how healthy I eat and strive to stay in shape. Nevermind how I never subject you to food you don’t want to eat or subject you to stay in with me when you don’t want to. Nevermind that all my favorite activities are done outside. Nevermind that I have health problems that stifle my need to be more active. Nevermind that when I can’t do something, I urge you to go be active or eat with other people or do what you wanna do.
Nevermind all of those things. I’ve never been so certain until now that you will only ever see the bad moments, the difficult moments for me I can’t prevent.
You do not accept me for who I am, Jason. You don’t even see me for who I am.
I can’t keep trying to prove myself to you.
It’s not fair that I have to.
Hope you find who you’re looking for. Goodbye.
I don’t think you are stupid. I think you do stupid things sometimes like anyone else.
But I give up, Jason. You make me feel like shit about myself because I try and try but I can’t make you happy.
Doing anything never changes your opinion or the way you see me.
I try to comfort you all the time. You don’t let me in and what’s worse is you don’t see or accept me for who I am.
I can’t keep bringing myself down in order to try making you happy.
Apparently not enough to see me as the person I am.
Then who am I?
It’s really not okay to me. The whole thing is starting to feel like a joke.
Yeah. We went to the mall and then hit golf balls.
I accidently invited myself. Chris said something about it yesterday and I asked Ian which mall and Ian told me to come. So I went and got new bras.
I never seem to.
I bought a frisbee.
I knew you’d say that.
It’s just a classic.
I don’t hate you.
I have the worst nightmares.
The 3 of us are coming down this afternoon. We’re going to a park then getting green beers for St. Patrick’s Day if you want to come.
That was great watching some random girl rub your head.

Hoe would you resolve this?
Well. I think we understand eachother, yes? And I think we understand what eachother needs to try to do different. So I would say, there’s only one thing to do and that is to close the door on this issue. I don’t want you to be apologizing more than you need to.
Unless, of course, there is more to be said. In which case there is more to be talked about.
I have nothing else to say.
But it feels like you aren’t satisfied.
Mostly I’m just tired.
I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you.
I am too. I want to be able to move past these things, but it’s nearly every day there is a problem. And I frankly don’t care anymore, so it’s becoming impossible for me to even talk it out.
I honestly don’t believe you’ll ever accept me for who I am.
It’s really difficult to talk about this when you’re busy.
I’m not busy right now, I’m thinking.
I just keep going back to those first days on the park bench. I keep wanting to think we can keep having them, that I can keep showing you my stupid internal world, that I can keep nerding out and being all excited about stupid shit like the founding fathers and Miyazaki on the lee monument I keep thinking its so nearly possible. I keep wanting to be as free and happy and excited as I was then. I keep wanting to think we can spend so much of our days outside, chittering to no end. Playing, reading.
I was thinking over the last nber of mornings how valuable it has been to lay in bed and organize what’s floating around there before I wake up, to review what I did over the past week. Then, I had imagined how I would be up reading in the parkour till 10 or 11:30 and how you would have come and sat next to me and we would have talked.
About how quickly my mom gets over stupid shit when I just don’t say anything, she leaves me alone or perhaps realizes when she has been unfair to me.
I keep imagining us sitting by fires and playing music etc and reading books. But I don’t know. I don’t know I never stop imagining.
I kept hoping you would text me to go see Miyazaki on Wednesday anyways.
You expect me to be as I was in the beginning and pick up the pieces and keep moving. But the constant “working on things” and fixing and nit picking… It’s too much.
Relationships takes work, tweaking, but this feels like a construction project.
Then there’s really nothing else we can do. This should be freeing. I should feel happy and open, not like I have to always edit myself or watch what I say or worry about explaining or defending myself to tiny problems, small differences that don’t need to be addressed in the first place.
Yes, I agree.
We both have it our best, with many honest shots.
Okay then.
Yeah.
Alright. I don’t know what else to say.

I think one day you’re going to realize you never honestly loved me.

I really should be able to talk to you about any confrontation when it happens, not multiple occasions after the fact.
I met you with that because I couldn’t understand why you would bring something back up once it was put to rest. I don’t do that every time, but you’ll argue I do.
You are so caught up in your self-righteous bullshit, you don’t even see the way you are harsh with me when you are “calm.”
I think one day you’re going to realize you never honestly loved me.
Hoe would you resolve this?

I really should be able to talk to you about any confrontation when it happens, not multiple occasions after the fact.
I met you with that because I couldn’t understand why you would bring something back up once it was put to rest. I don’t do that every time, but you’ll argue I do.
You are so caught up in your self-righteous bullshit, you don’t even see the way you are harsh with me when you are “calm.”
I think one day you’re going to realize you never honestly loved me.
Hoe would you resolve this?

The Beast frustrated can’t be honest about his feelings he doesn’t know himself well enough.

Temperamental: violent and quickly overlooking. Passion quickly comes and quickly goes.

Abuse is a memory problem.

Boohides:

First they are self-abusive.

To be without desire.
Satan or Angel?
Mr. Hyde no more.
Massage.
Purity doesn’t know its pure
I thought I was the guide, the uncle.
Lay, lay with your head only chest. Read slow almost prayer like
Be as a cat. Running forehead to forehead
Man and woman are different
You are not like me. You could say no
You are my god. That god far away. Better you my god. Imperfect human. You laugh you cry. Even if he is not so far, I don’t want him.
Night mares, dreams of a lonely man.

A day by the cold lake: February 14th Valentines Day. Crystals birthday: My life shattered when I met you

A life of sadness, you are the one bright spot.
A life of duty, you speak like a 35 year old.
If we cannot remain loyal to our friends who love us unconditionally, what can we remain loyal to?

There is a bit of good in everybody.
How beautiful, to be wrong.
The boy rescuing: platforms. Coral. Organic. From contrived to organic death.
To succeed where his parents failed. Rescue.
To bud a carefully crafted mirror. Pain. In order to have it shattered. Epiphany. Self-knowledge.
Fear management. Knowing. Expells. Tames the beast.

The boy: stands: rises to meet the dawn. The girl, then reborn. Beautiful, freckles, womanly, real.

Monks rest. Patience to finish the mundane task. Spiritual release. Climbing the steps.

The more I rest, the more productive I am.

From the way he was balanced on the curb edge, from the position of his hands, from – well, the quan

“Here’s a simple rule of thumb/ Too clever is dumb.” So said a famous poet. Stop trying to be so f-c

To aim wants to wander.

Stop aiming so much. Stop thinking up your precious clever, clever little bot mots beforehand. Just

To see clearly is poetry, prophecy, religion.’

Don’t think. You shouldn’t even have time to think. You should be too busy just observing the world

Undiscovered: 6) And by the way, good writers don’t die alone.’

His fingers smelled like guitar strings.

What about Seneka? Can she ever change?

Forming soul ties: J.R. To a pagan. Poetry.

Moths:

Neighbors to the light

A sin to withhold your gifts.

Jr do not try to control the wind, only what you can control.

Like paper tatters

Seneka to Ed Hopper: Be brave to get your body behind your target….cowards don’t aim. They’re scared to look.’

They’re scared of the noise of their own rifle.

Boohides

Seneka: consciousness teaching him how to not be so self-conscious.

Rush no part of the motion.

The key to focus is to notice more.

Depending more heavily– As Dostoevsky did– on snippets from their reading, journal entries, and the like.

Couples: surviving the death: Seneka: removing toxic thoughts.

As if he didn’t notice the world, it would go away.

He had an almost elfish purity.

Loved to paint, loved to love, be needed. Vincent a man of unsorted passions. As soon as he could focus he was fine. But what’s the point?

“Hope must be as starlight, neither too near or too far.”

“Hope is the salt that preserves us.”

Story, like snake skin sloughed off. The black water room. Sunken parlour

Story born unintelligible: it matures like a child.

Fear of failure, “a cat Tom just does.”

The curds in the bottom of a pot: “it comes as curds in a pot…it comes.” The bits complete the picture.

Don’t dumb down the story… How do you know you aren’t creating a better way?” One day people will ask you about your process.”

Story: cutting board: catfish; the anvil on which we slay our fears.

Preening Tom vs catfish doesn’t know itself, a cat doesn’t care, just does.

A “loosely-dating” relationship. Two independent people.

Hmm. It comes soon enough. I wonder sometimes if I’m really making the best use of my time.
What do you mean?
Just after graduating, days slow, but time overall accelerates. I haven’t been too ambitious. Just working 3 nights a week at Godfreys and trying to pick up some guitar.
Taking a lot of time out for myself, to figure out how I tick/function ….”finding myself.” Hah.
That’s making the most of your time! A lot of people have no idea who they are, and many never try to discover themselves. I think that’s really important though, to have a really solid understanding of who you are. And it’s not an easy thing to figure out, so I think you’re being plenty ambitious haha
Hmmm. True. On the one hand it feels frivolous, but on the other hand, it seems like once you figure out the core, you could do anything well.
I don’t know about anything hahaha. But there is a level of confidence that comes with it. Like you stop caring about all the little things that used to bother you, things don’t get under your skin because you know who you are and where you’re going and you know, deep down, that everything is going to be okay
Yeah, I’d say its to feel “centered.” To know what’s important to you.
“Adulthoods not so much knowing what you need as knowing what you can stand to lose.”

If Crystal and I ended, I would not be destroyed, I know how I would continue forward. Platforms. I feel confident in my next step.

John goodman and Rosanne: all of us stays together day by day. Useless worry if they will come back. If they keep coming back, the intimacy will bud.

Kids are witnesses but cannot speak,

Teenagers make crass mistakes and do as they need

Adults experts professionals are always thinking Of the other, are listening. Are giving. Providers. Are focused, attentive.

The boy: can the boy equalize between teenager/adult?

One day the frustration –or the love will come to a head.

We will see which one is provoked.

She like a young professor Ellis. Or prettier? Complaining?

The boy learning to keep a semi-dissatisfying relationship/situation at a distance and to balance woes. Focus through woes.

She can be excited again in time, perhaps, as you become more excitable, or not.

Excitable electrons: the introspective boy not so excitable at first. Vs. Fetishist/vouyer/narcissist: one-sided excitement vs empathy. Communion.

At first J.R. A one-sided communion.

Can’t be serious around the girl? Lightness leads to seriousness vs the boy: seriousness leads to lightness.

The boy realizes his selfishness shortsightedness compared to her. Spring: old clothes off.

The key to success is forming good habits.

Josh and I work all day side by side and no talking. Don’t sweat crystal so much, Tom, talk when needed, and not too much.

Get in the habit of thinking what you’re going to do before you do it: learning quick ideas from bad

Learning as leader to shift over towards follow: active green, active passive.

Now the platform light not dim, but brighter.

The boy: scared of the future: learning not to be scared if the future but to see it as an adventure.

I am ugly. I am unattractive. I know that my skin is awful, my hair is greasy, and society simply does not permit women to weigh as much as I do.

But, mind you, this is not the same as having low self-esteem. Because when I look in the mirror, I hate my body, not myself. I simply shake my head and think, “This isn’t me. This mediocre sack of meat isn’t me. I’m just renting it out, driving it around. It’s a tool. It’s a vehicle. I use it to take myself places that I need to go, and that’s all there is to it.”

Ok fine, I’m not Zen enough to actually believe I can escape with that train of thought. The truth is, I am frustrated with the irreconcilable disconnect between my pride and my presence. The acne mask and the fat suit egregiously fail to conform with my mental mockups of my perfectly badass self. I suppose the only real solution then, besides undergoing extensive surgeries, is to upload my conscience to a supercomputer.

Maybe the Singularity will happen, and everything will be great, but in the meantime, I much prefer the Internet to real life interactions because most of you haven’t got a clue as to what I look like, and if you don’t like me it’s because my ideas suck and not because you find my face unpleasant. The Internet allows me to temporarily abandon the limitations of my subpar physical avatar.

Even if people are especially curious about my appearance, I only allow them to make vague inferences based off a single profile picture, uniform across all my social media haunts, taken a very long time ago at a surprisingly flattering angle, in which I actually manage to trick them into thinking I look quite average. Well, I don’t. I’ve gained 50 pounds since then, and academic stress makes my acne flare up like nobody’s business.

Regardless, I decided a while back that everyone has his or her own strengths and weaknesses, and I would do well to focus on my strengths instead of my weaknesses. Even people who are bad at everything are less bad at some things than they are at others. After some introspection, I concluded that I was less bad at learning things than I was at looking pretty, so I would ultimately benefit far more from sharpening my skills and pursuing a technical career than from trying in vain to undo the effects of losing the genetic lottery.

As for the romantic side of things, I avoid unnecessary heartbreak by keeping myself from harboring silly delusions about reciprocated love in the first place. I have rationalized that it is okay for me to be ugly because 1) marriage is not the optimal arrangement for everyone and 2) the human race would likely carry on just fine without my genetic contribution.

I am irritated with the cliché that “everyone is beautiful” because surface friendliness and pretending to be PC don’t solve anything. It doesn’t help the young girl with confidence issues because even if you’re “nice” enough to tell her that she’s beautiful, are you nice enough to, like, actually date her? Words mean nothing without actions, yet it’s patently unfair to expect people not to be shallow because at the end of the day, beauty is beauty, attraction is attraction, and sexual desire is governed by deep-rooted evolutionary impulses that people don’t understand and can’t control.

It would be far more useful to promote the idea that people can contribute to the world in a variety of interesting and fulfilling ways besides making others salivate over their bodies. You can make original scientific breakthroughs! You can regale people with tales of heroic conquest! You can build products that make people’s lives easier! But I guess changing the world wouldn’t make for an effective beauty products campaign.

“You can undo years of narcissim with a swashbuckling approach, you need to go step-by-step, and build platforms.”

Can’t conquer Rome all in one day.

Visualize and widen the radius of the glimpse.

“The glimpse.”

“Think first, move.”

“Be slow to execute wisdom.” Seneka

Even if we salvage this what do we have left but flotsam.

Overthinking it until that which made sense doesn’t make sense.

“This storm will pass.”

The boy has to learn to take care of himself, even his negative feelings. Fear management.

Insects: where is our next step? The boy. Jobs. Hope. Where does it point to? My heart a spinning compass.

Goddamn all these emotions. I do t want to feel anything anymore. I don’t want to feel anything. This my sign of depression.

I can’t celebrate my happinesses anymore, for fear.

Always wanted a special partner. Now I feel like I want to be alone, well I have that gift. Now I go swimming.

The boy needs friends, stability. The ability to feel vulnerable. But who can he call? Josh.

Art is his liberation. From the dissatisfying of relationships. His one escape.

The boy trying not to feel shattered. Hanging on too all the pieces for as long as possible.

True love lets it split separate ways? Not to stifle?

True love, loves across distances.

The boy knows when to cut it. Wait to hear back from Japan.

The boy, broken, needing friends out of his brokenness… Social drive.

“For nothing was simply one thing.” Virginia Woolf

 

 

“When you don’t know what else to do, but despair, I guess that makes you a writer.”

 

The conversion needs a medium, a friend

Cats, friends, I’ve depended on you a lot these past months; helpful for forgetting my misery.

Cats no worry.

Comedy as medicine.

Brought them to near life out of their desperation the seedif life.

The anxiety tunnel vision funneling to a happier destiny survival

Revisitng friendship you need to go be what you are.

The boy feels fine, rising to meet his dawn.

You have givie. Me my liverty:

 

The fight by the lake: disputing all the hurts and the fate of his life.

I’m too worried about hurting you. I can’t be myself.

It’s just a state of being that you automatically experience when you reach inner wholeness, you are free within and you allow freedom to the outside – you don’t try to grasp or hold on to anyone/anything, your sense of wholeness is not dependent on the outside. Neither do you try to hold distance as a means of protecting yourself, you let yourself be fearlessly intimate and straight-forward with your feelings, but your intimacy is not an imprisonment for you or your partner – this is what “intimate indifference” feels like.

They wind up kicking off the true friendship.

Fear and love cannot co-exist, not for long. If you look at a lot of relationships, there is always a constant friction, a love-hate deal going on all the time – it’s a huge drain on your body/mind, it drains your energy to be in a such a relationship to the extent that you can’t really live the other aspects of your life in full potential. Yet, this type of friction based relationship is like the perfect expression of a fear-based mind, it’s addicted to such relationships. The state of “intimate indifference” is love without fear, it’s a connection that’s not an imprisonment, it’s an attachment that’s not a crutch, it’s a bonding free of enslavement – there is a free energy to such a relationship, it’s not a source of pain only a source of sharing your love. Love is not complicated, it only becomes complicated when you corrupt it with fear – love in its purity is just a celebration of life, a gift.

Love, a celebration of life, a gift.

I don’t feel like you really want this either. Like you’re forcing yourself to be in it.
This can’t function that way. It’s killing us.
I love you, and I know that but I haven’t felt IN love with you for a while now.
It’s obvious in both of us.
It’s why I haven’t been able to believe your sentiments. They’re forced and I know they’re untrue about our current relationship. I know you care about me.
I was head over heels for you when this started, but I think there has been too much hurt and turmoil to keep that alive.
I’m afraid to say I love you, because I am afraid of the feelings. But I think I feel it also.
I know I love you, but it’s not how it needs to be.
Yeah. And its hard for me to be totally relaxed because I am always too afraid I’ll hurt you.
I’m too afraid to say much else.
I know you already know without words.
I don’t want it to be done at the same time.
Well you’ll still see me around. And you can still come sit by me and talk in the hottub.
It’s going to be difficult to see you after this. It does hurt to end things.
I got it assuming things would end.
But I think you’ll be happier without me around. You won’t feel like you have to change yourself or worry about what to say.
Keep it. Its meaningful to be able to give it to you.
And I have made a lot of the changes I wanted to make. And I always worry about what I say. In fact, with you, I have been learning to be more relaxed.
How do you feel right now?
There’s so much I see in you that I saw in that first day, but it feels like there’s an impenetrable film around it.
Hmm. I feel okay. I feel the warmth of near tears, but it feels
Yes. That is exactly how I felt.
But that’s why I had wanted to change. Because I know why that film is there. I know what behaviors I have that caused it.
I just wanted you. And I just wanted to feel like I could forgive you for the bad times.
I’m afraid to see you with other girls. To hear you talk about them. I’m scared in a month or so, I’ll feel I need to be with you. I’m afraid I’ll fuck something up.
Yeah. Well, that’s the difference and it’s why I had a difficult time trusting you. You’ll actively pursue finding someone after this. I need to be alone after this. I don’t want to look for someone else.
I feel like in the back of your head, you’re always wondering about other girls you could be with.
It’s not a fair situation to do to yourself. I know I’ll want to be with you, but I need to be selfless enough to let you go and be with someone you’ll love.
You still want to be with me?
Or in time?
Yes, but I know this doesn’t work and it’s not going to because there is too much pressure on it.
I honestly believe you are supposed to be with someone else.
I sort of feel like you already have and that’s why you’re okay with this.
I don’t know. I seriously have this sickening feeling you’ve already met someone else.
I feel so sad.
I have another surprise for us.

The end: shared hallucinogen: “intimate indifference,” tell me what is beautiful, the sunrise.

Thought it was okay to wound her because she is a pagan?

How do you know about relationships? Just take them one step at a time.

“Intimate indifference.”

After she gone, the boy crossing the film by exploring her world more. Building a common glue. A skiff.

“Really it is the opposite, I am desperate NOT to replace you. I don’t know of any other way to get

Distance: filters: too near, too far, just right. A cookable flame. Distance a filter.

Bearing arguments, passion down to a cookable flame.

Feelings need not be so desperate, over-passionate: “intimate indifference.” Let them identify for themselves what they see.

“Smoke of Sailmakers.”

It’s not easy turning into smoke,
not easy blowing away because
even if the mind is an amaryllis
it still struggles like a moth
in a spiderweb. Because
the futility of cathedrals
is more beautiful than heaven?
When he wasn’t hearing what
he wanted, Monk, midsong,
would kick his sidemen offstage
until it was just him and the damn
audience wondering who was next.
When my mother died,
I was far away and got farther,
a rectangular shadow on stilts.
Hello, commodious sky, you look high on fumes. How many times must I
drop bulbs into a hole and still
not know how to be joyous? Years of washing dishes, watching sunsets
and insects and still no easier
to see what’s written in the dark.
Little shiver, I want to preserve you.
Rosebud, I’ll try to hold you
forever in my mouth.

Even as they attack you, they question whether it was true what they say, because they love you.

“trust me,” I know myself now. the boy leaving the girl on the sickbed, saving things he’d like to share with her.

“what this relationship needs is more indifference.

 

Im just not going to allow myself to feel trapped by this. stifled.

“That I’m easing in to it, or that I have a good father? He’s still the hero that I liked.”

The boy afraid to get high, afraid of what he’ll see.

“Why do you think you need to do anything at all?”

The shivering wind path over the ocean.

The boy, meltdown, desperate to shut off his mind.

Write it as a screenplay.

The boy, not feeling anymore obligated than the cat does.

The more I nap, the more productive I get.

What it needs is friends. Male and female.

 

I don’t want to be the type of man that gets scared as soon as things get difficult.

Treat her as the most beautiful girl in the world, and she will become so.

Don’t keep disrupting the equilibrium. Allow time to de stress and forget

Allowing us to grow further and further away from eachother and. To always come back.

Trust flex muscle

Image ruined by standards of beUty.

 

You must explore away to banish the fear, but is best to try to do it quiety.

A lot larger concept of love than he first imagined.

No urgency to heal. It takes time each time a more realisitc adult future imagined. As self concept

Does it bother me that my life may likely end in suicide? Not today. Today life feels like a book well experienced, and I don’t care to endure its most boring, trouble some parts. The agonizing aging slowness. Am I an Eric Mcandless of thoreauvian adventure? Transformed in my boots

Friendship, indifferent intimacy cats, to tame the beasts. To know myself also.

Must take a strong sense of identity.
A year ago I had no secrets. Now the secret keeper. Of many keys. Quiet lives

Knowing your role I am to play: the cat engine. A Toulouse. The man.

“I know no enemy but fear.”

Sure, it would be easier for her to trust me if I was a little bit dishonest.

The trouble with honesty: its hard to know at times honesty can feel dishonest.

“Bed of snakes!” Jr shouting at his servile own kind

“Each of us must know the role we are to play.”

Moving for its glaring directness. Unemotiveness. Distance.

Must protect the relationship from being too self-sacrificing.

Man must have strong sense of identity but also allow himself to be caged by a good woman.

Trying too hard to tame the devil inside l of us: VANTAECH. Allowed to run lawless at first.

If you gotta be obligated, what kind of ball would t you mind dragging around on your heels?

If you gotta cause pain, mop up the mess.

Can always get close to that which you are trying to get close to.

Its not narrowing your options, but freedom to travel with one person to all the places you like.

Take it day by day. Getting to know one person is more fun than dating many.

Date the one who helps you find yourself. Spend your life pursuing one mystery.

The beast stops and retreats as soon as the other scared the beast retreats

Who do I want to be?

I don’t want to be afraid anymore, I want to be brave, bold, steady on unsteady ground, the rising disoriented on the platform and standing steady in the rowboat.

The lake: Allowing yourself to stand planted in hot/cold water. The be humble

It’s done. And at the end of a long road I feel nothing. I let her be unfair to me and okay. Rapture. Sunrise. Now I am free.

I have under stood in 10 months what took my parents 30 years.

She was never interested in what I had to say in an argument. I gave her the upmost respect, and she did not return it. Okay.

“To happy endings, and new beginnings!”

Rilke: the subject of which is the resurrection of the world within the perceiver.

Meet them only half way against doubts.

I’m trying to tell you there is no intimacy without security.

Impatience for intimacy, impatience for security.

Description is both more moving and more exact when it is acknowledged that it is inevitably incomplete.

“what is it about that sound?” ….”everything Uncivilized.” Carruth’s acknowledgement of this limited, failed answer to the question is what sets his poem into motion.

We can point to why the goose calls move us but never quite explain it, since it calls us to a place words don’t go.The power of this strategy is partly the humility of the speaker, who does not presume knowledge, but involves us in his active quest for it, and takes the limits of language and understanding not as a reason for silence, but as a spur to delve further.

“on the edge of the world, a tangle of washed up eelgrass looks like

“On the edge of the bay, a tangle of washed up eelgrass looks for all the world like a narrow tape spewed from some maddening marine cassette.” Juxtaposition: also gradation from natural to artificial. The BOOHIDES: OIL RIG TRANSFORMATION IN ONE SENTENCE> STUDY OViD. and inherent comic aspect.

he humor may arise from the distance of the thing to the thing it is compared to: imaginative distance.Skill: Yoking: bridging juxtapositions in once sentence brings energy to the writing. comparisons/relationships that exist only in the mind. poetic imaginative autobiography.

Skill: Yoking: bridging juxtapositions in once sentence brings energy to the writing. comparisons/relationships that exist only in the mind. poetic imaginative autobiography.

The boy captain, pilot, knows how to remove the worry out of this. navigation

What is veracity in description? It must be fidelity to the truth of percepton– that is, attention and allegiance to a process of knowing. Our knowledge of the sensory world is nothing fixed, but a continung reappraisal, a set of processes that figure and refigure the world. …Idiosyncratic representation…poetry delights in the unexpected and is out to refresh our eyes and ears. It’s art’s work to defamiliarize reality.

e.e. cummings: grasshopper: physics captured in distorted words.

GYPSY: CRYSTAL BALL: Don’t go in fear of that which has been looked at again and again. Poets return to the MOON immemorially, it is deeply compelling and we probably won’t ever get done with it. the challenge is to look at the familiar without the expected (platform) scaffolding of seeing, and the payoff is that such a gaze is enormously rewarding; it wakes us up, when the old verities are dusted off, the tired approaches set aside.

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