2-8-16: Apology: “how often do most couples fight anyways?”  (J.R. STOP THE CYCLE: HALT POISON, PRODUCE JOY).

I still should have given you a kiss. Im sorry I left that way.

I know you’re home but can we try this again? I would be happy just being home and eating dinner with you.

I feel like I am always trying to start fights with you because im an irritable person and I don’t know how to make myself happy. Like there’s some void I have to fill because I’m just not okay with living life normal for some reason. And you’re right. I’m always counting in you to help me fill a void a can’t fill because its something in me I’m always hating. I’m a self-loathing person.

I put too much responsibility on you to make me happy. I am like a child in that way. I feel like I’m a needy person. I’m frustrated at myself for being frustrsted, when you are the one that should be feeling irritable all the time.

Then I feel like I harass you afterward because it triggers my childlike neediness and I just want to patch things up too quickly without really solving them. Its a push-pull kind of trap I always create for myself because I can’t decide where my frustration is coming from.

I feel like yes, our personalities are very different but instead of appreciating the peace and non-verbal support, and even the verbal support you give me,  I allow myself to continue dwelling on negative emotions. You are a human too, and I need to accept you as a human、instead of trying to compare you to “my ideal” wife, which is an impossible standard. Even the diamond I bought you is good quality, and flawless to the naked eye. But put it under a microscope and you can see its infractions. People are like this. Our lovers. We were just seriously casually dating before the baby came into the picture, yet you have only continued to prove to be the kind of girl I should be marrying, while I continuously fall short of my own standards. 

I think I am such a whiny, inconsolable, restless, joyless person that even if I got the “ideal” wife I wanted, I’d still be miserable because I know I can always find something to be miserable about. Its my talent. I know I put these things on you. (J.R. STOP THE CYCLE: HALT POISON, PRODUCE JOY). I don’t know how to get them to stop, but I just know I’m a conflicted person and I’m sorry.

I look back at our pictures and I feel regret & joy because so many times I worried about am I happy with you? when’ so many times,  things would have been great if I’d just been happy. I don’t want to do that with the baby. It is something to be excited about, because ill be raising it fantastically with a fantastic person- you.  I need to make myself happy & as well as you. Making you happy makes me happy & it teaches me how to be happy. I need to be more appreciative. 

That’s what I should be filling our conversation with.